We just came back from a whole 5 days in Florence, yippee!
Ryanair isn’t an airline – it’s a game. The object of the game is to reach the destination as cheaply as possible, (preferably more or less on the day that you were supposed to). The Enemy has the task of trying to make your journey as expensive as possible.
The cards are stacked against you, because The Enemy gets to write the rules of the game and can change them when it wants to, just to keep you on your toes. Their strategy is to quote an irresistibly cheap up front price to hook you. Then throw every trick in the book to squeeze your wallet like a grape.
This starts with the obvious ruse of adding various unexpected charges as you go through the booking process, so that you’re right on the edge of cancelling the booking – but go ahead anyway. You’re probably forewarned about this and expect it, to a some extent. But usually the enemy has thought up a new kind of extra charge since last time you flew, and throws it into the stew on the very last page before you complete the booking. Booking fees, whatever the hell that means, are the most annoying. They undoubtedly piss you off, but you probably take it on the nose and go ahead and complete the booking anyway.
Why should I pay them a booking charge? It is me making the booking, I should be charging them for doing it. I have been daydreaming of sending The Enemy a bill for my own booking fee. Did I forget to mention up front my £50 fee for this? I’m so sorry Mr. Enemy, but it is in my standard terms of business. You wish to make a complaint? Of course, here is my Complaints Hotline (50p a minute, all our operators are busy at the moment, but please hold and we will answer your call as soon as I become available. In the meantime here is some information about our standard range of Complaints Fees, read veeeeery slowly). They’re not quite that bad yet, perhaps, but getting there.
That is only the start. Much of the battle goes on around the fraught subject of baggage allowance. The Enemy is hoping that you will try to economise by not paying for all of your hold baggage, that you think at the time of booking that you will get away with carrying less than you inevitably do end up taking by the time you get to the airport. Big mistake. They are counting on you changing your mind, or trying to sneak on a few sneaky kilos extra, or that your hand luggage will be 1cm wider than the allowance, or that you will try to carry your laptop separately, or have a camera on your shoulder, or that you will buy a few presents or books while you’re away for the return journey.
I know all this horror is going to happen, and I always try to find an alternative airline. I’m happy to pay more to fly on Easyjet or Wizzair, or any other airline that is relatively up-front about the ‘extras’. But as often as not flight timetables and geography mean that I end up coming back to playing the same old game with The Same Old Enemy.
Oh, and Florence? It was fantastic of course!
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